Dear Maz,

Our first night at the hospital, you laid next to me in your little plastic bed while I watched you sleep. I gently put my hand on your chest and felt you breathing. You were so teeny. I kept staring at you, convincing myself you were real, you were mine. I kept looking admiring your dark red fuzzy hair, your little nose, the length of your fingers, the curve of your chubby cheeks. I soaked in all the little details of you. I promise I won’t do that when you’re a teenager.
There’s so much I want to say to you,  and I try to, when we’re snuggling or dozing off to sleep. When we go on walks or when your sick, I try to tell you all of my thoughts and feelings about you. You won’t remember any of these moments, so I decided to write them down. Maybe if I’m lucky you will read this. Maybe you will remember in your heart what your mind was too little understand.

First things first, you are one awesome little guy. You do and say things everyday that amaze me. You are so kindhearted and sensitive to those around you, you do not like to make anyone feel sad and if anyone ever is sad around you, you are always very concerned. You do not like it when people yell. At all. Even if they are playing, you get teary-eyed, and your big sad lip sticks way out. You will run to me for a hug and tell me what happened.  People think you get your sensitivity from me but I think you are just very compassionate. I hope you never lose that.You are such a sweet, tender-hearted boy, and I love you.
Speaking of love, it’s important you understand my love for you.  I really don't know if I will ever be able to describe it, but I'll try. I never really thought I could care about someone the way I do for you, I never knew I would consider giving up everything in my life to give it to someone else. You bring so much joy to my life. I love being your mom and I love you more and more as you grow up. .
I used to think that love was a word used by everybody that really didn't mean a lot, but when you put your hand on my cheek, give me a kiss, and tell me you "wuv" me, I don't know what it is inside me but I feel a big bound rise up in my throat.  Sometimes the feelings I have for you are so strong, I have to ignore it just to get through my day.

On our first day home from the hospital, when I walked into the house, I felt strangely sad. Your grandpa, (my dad) passed away just a few days before you came to me and when I saw his picture and the flowers from his funeral,  the reality that he was really gone hit me so hard that I couldn't control myself from tears. I remember sitting on the couch, I took you in my arms and just held you. You and me alone. The love and the peace that you brought to me, I never wanted to put you down. I was given the responsibility to be your mother and I felt the full weight of it in that moment. You were 7 lbs and 10 ounces, roughly the weight of the world. I knew right then that what we had was forever.

I have this thing where I obsessively watch your breathing. I mean, seriously – after a long day, I finally get you down to sleep and then come back a few min later to feel you breathe? What kind of crazy mother am I?  It doesn’t help that you sleep in the weirdest positions. You are never laying on your bed the way you are suppose to. Sometimes if your breathing too softly I will brush my hand over your cheek to make you wiggle or squirm. The last time I did that, I scared you and woke you up. After that, you would not go back to sleep.

When you were brand new, I used to like to place my hand under tiny head and run my fingers through your hair. (you had a ton of hair)  We would rock together in the glider as you sucked down your bottle like it was the last drop on earth. This was my favorite time to spend with you, as you gripped my one finger with your tiny fist, you would look up at me, you would study my eyes, my mouth, as I would sing songs to you that my dad used to sing to me with his guitar. Puff the magic dragon, Hobos Lullaby, and Stewball (just to name a few)  As I sang softly, I would run my finger down the bridge of your nose. This would force you to blink your eyes and I would keep doing it until your eyelids got heavier and heavier. This was my favorite way to get you to go to sleep. Sometimes, when you get sick, or your really tired, you still let me do this.

Today you are 3 years old, but you think you are a grown up. You are an independent, wild, crazy little boy, and have an amazing imagination. You like to build forts, play fight, and lately you love Legos. You really love to create things, and when you really concentrate on something, I cant even get you to look up at me.  Your independent and fearless, and it terrifies me.
Sometimes at the end of the day, when we are getting ready for bed, I’ll ask you what you did today or what you learned.  In response, you usually work your crazy hands all over the place and loudly tell me the fun activities you did with your "gwamma" or at your papas. You love to explain details with your whole body when you tell stories, sometimes you even get theatrical, falling to the floor, making sound effects, or running down the hall to let me know how fast something was. You are one hilarious little dude. You have never been afraid to be loud and often you make other people be loud with you. You like to be the center-of-attention, but only on your own terms, if I try to force you, you shy away. You make me laugh every single day. Sometimes I find myself smiling at something you did or said the night before. Its amazing how little you are but bring so much to the people around you, I am so proud of you.
At night, you love to play shadow-puppets right before bed. As we lay back, you look up at the ceiling and make sound affects for all of the monsters we are creating with our hands. Sometimes you giggle so loud I think you are never going to fall asleep, that is when I experience pure joy and a desperate dread. It’s like black/white of motherhood. But it is all worth it.
So, I don’t want to freak you out, but there’s more. Our souls are bonded together forever. You’re stuck with me. I’m stuck with you. But you’re an independent person placed here on earth with a job to do completely separate from me. I don’t like this very much. It means there could be times where you need elbow room to make your own mistakes. I just want to surround you with a bubble ball that will protect you from all pain, owies, colds, illness, bullies, social media, and any other future heartache. I want to protect you from name-calling, and the mean kids.. but I know that I cant always protect you from obstacles, because I know you need experiences. I know you will gain courage, independence and confidence from each of them. Even though my heart wants to put you in a bubble, I won’t, I promise.
I wanted to write this letter in hope that you will know how much of a rockstar I think you are. I worry about you every minute of my day. You are always my first thought with everything. I want to give you the best life I can and I want you to be the happiest human on the whole planet. I hope you live your life the way it will make you the happiest. I hope you are never afraid to be loud and fearless the way you are now. I hope you will be brave going into the unknowing and trust yourself to figure it out, because I know you can do it. Remember I will always be there for you.

Before I wrap this up, let me share some bad news. You have your dads sweatglans. Yep. You’re going to struggle with sweating. Destiny has already decided you’ll have to bring an extra shirt to gym class. First life lesson: life isn’t fair.
A few more life lessons I have learned:
Respect you elders, you will learn so much from them. Make friends with the kid who sits alone at the lunch table. Know that nobody is better than you, and you are no better than anyone else. Be overly kind and polite. Feed someone who's hungry. Be the better person in a hard situation. If you love someone, tell them often. Oh, and call your mother every single day.

Because I know you won’t remember, I’ve written all these things down.
Mazor, we will always be tied together with an invisible yet powerful string. You are so deeply and unconditionally loved. I hope it gives you the foundation and the confidence to live your life joyfully with purpose.

With a crazy love that makes me nuts inside,

Your Mommy